


Stay Strong for Sam

by moonwillow27458



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Caring John Winchester, Depressed Sam, Hospitals, Hurt Sam Winchester, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Pining, Protective Castiel, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-04-17
Updated: 2016-04-26
Packaged: 2018-06-02 22:27:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,436
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6585073
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moonwillow27458/pseuds/moonwillow27458
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Cas had been on a camping trip, his phone switched off. While he was gone, Sam was going through a tough time. Cas couldn't help him, and it leads to dire consequences.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Blame Yourself

**Author's Note:**

> **Heavy trigger warning, guys!! I'm serious, this is not a happy fic. Literally, it is horribly sad.**
> 
> Yeah, this came a little from my own life.
> 
> If any of you are struggling with issues like Sam in this fic, please speak out to someone (I'm here for any of you if you need it <3 )
> 
> There should be more parts of this coming soon

_You have: **12** Unread Messages_

_Sunday_

_1:03 AM_

_Cas I relapsed_

_I did again_

_Monday_

_2:07 AM_

_My hips are really starting to hurt_

_2:11 AM_

_I’m slipping again, Cas, I can feel it. I’m crying myself to sleep every night_

_Tuesday_

_12:04 PM_

_Can it be called relapsing if you’re doing it every day_

_Wednesday_

_11:09 PM_

_I know I promised to talk to my Councillor if I started to get bad again but I really can’t face Jody right now_

_Thursday_

_1:15 AM_

_I’m isolating myself. Dean knows something’s going on_

_Friday_

_2:05 AM_

_I over did it with the cutting, I ruined my bedsheets_

_4:00 AM_

_I’m sorry for whatever I’ve done to piss you off, Cas, I’m sorry I’m still bothering you_

_Saturday_

_3:42 AM_

_I hate myself_

_I want to die cas_

_I love you_

—

Cas couldn’t believe he hadn’t checked his phone in over a week. His useless parents had made him go on some fucking camping trip, and now what faced him? A barely charged phone full of texts from Sam. He shouldn’t have let himself be tempted by the trip. Sam could be dead, for all he knew.

He knew that Sam’s condition wasn’t his fault (at least, _somewhere_ he knew that), but the little voice in the back of his head wouldn’t shut up. _“You knew Sam wasn’t good! You shouldn’t have left!”_ Maybe if it were term time, and Charlie or Kevin had been there to keep an eye on him, Sam might have been okay. He was isolated, though, and Cas couldn’t help but feel guilty for being part of that.

Cas hurried to the Winchester home as fast as he could. There was a blind panic in his mind - he couldn’t help thinking that maybe he was too late, that maybe Sam was already gone….

He had to prove himself wrong.

Dean answered when he knocked, the sullen look on his face not boding well for Sam.

“Hi, Cas,” Dean muttered, barely looking him in the eye. “How was the camping trip?”

“Great, is Sam in?” Cas replied urgently. He glanced over Dean’s shoulder, into the hallway, and noticed Sam’s coat wasn’t hanging in its usual spot over the banister. Dean looked upset when he heard Sam’s name.

“No, no he’s not,” he mumbled, fingering for his necklace under his shirt. “He’s uh, he’s in the hospital, Cas. I knew something was wrong but I found him trying to swallow a bottle of pills. He’s on 72 hour suicide watch. Dad’s with him now… I just had to get away from it all, you know? It’s hard enough knowing Sammy tried to kill himself, but I could’ve said something to Jody and we wouldn’t be here now.”

“It’s not your fault, Sam was keeping it from you on purpose,” Cas said reassuringly. Dean tried to smile, but couldn’t quite manage it. The two fell into silence.

“Listen, Dean, I’m gonna go up to the hospital.”

“Right, tell Dad I’ll be up after six,” Dean said. Cas looked up at the clock and saw it was just after 3pm, giving him plenty of time to spend trying to shake some sense into Sam. Nodding farewell to Dean, Cas left to catch the bus. He couldn’t help but feel a little guilty about leaving Dean - he looked absolutely destroyed - but Sam was the priority.

The hospital was massive, not somewhere Cas went often, and generally made him feel uneasy. The ER waiting room was packed full of people with blood and bruises and broken bones; one woman was foaming at the mouth, having had a seizure. The orderlies seemed to be overrun trying to handle it all, and Cas was thankful he could bypass the scene, following the signs that pointed to the reception.

A young woman was sat behind the desk, telephone in hand. As she saw Cas approaching, she ended the call and barked an order at the nurse who was leaning into her workspace. With an eye roll, the nurse sauntered off, leaving Cas with the receptionist. She greeted Cas with a smile, but faltered when she saw the anxious look on his face.

“Hey, what can I help you with today?” She asked cheerfully. _It must be exhausting to be that happy all the time,_ Cas thought.

“My friend, Sam, was brought in for a-a suicide attempt,” Cas stammered. He could feel his face get hot and his eyes get wet. It hadn’t really hit him, what had happened, until he’d said it out loud.

_Sam had tried to kill himself._

_Cas had been on a fucking camping trip while **Sam had tried to kill himself.**_

He was starting to hate himself more for letting it happen.

“Sam Winchester?” The receptionist questioned, pulling Cas from his thoughts. When Cas nodded, she looked back down to her computer screen. “He’s in room 203, on the third floor. Visiting hours end at 5pm.” Cas smiled in thanks before heading off to find his best friend.

Sam’s room wasn’t a private, but the beds either side of him were unoccupied. Sam’s Dad was sat in a plastic chair next to Sam, his head buried in his hand; Sam was facing away from him. He looked so small, drowning in the white bedsheets provided, that it was hard to believe Sam was actually taller than Cas when they stood side by side. His wrist was cuffed gently to the metal bed frame, padding cushioning the skin so it didn’t break - well, didn’t break any more than it had in the past. Cas gazed at the pale, thin scars along Sam’s arm wondered if the doctor had even brought that up to John yet.

Cas took a deep breath before pushing the door open. It was heavy, opening with a soft click, but the silence in the room was deafening, and John immediately turned to face him. Sam, however, remained curled up on his bed.

“Can I have a moment alone with Sam?” Cas asked softly, barely daring to disturb the harrowing silence. John studied Cas for a second, causing him to squirm under the attention. “Sir?” Sam must have recognized the voice, as he craned his neck to look at Cas. He looked even more miserable than Dean, his eyes sunken and cheeks sharp. He’d obviously not been taking care of himself, and Cas regretted abandoning him again. He would always regret it; _how_ could he have let it get this bad?

John saw Sam react to Cas’ presence, and stood up from his seat. As he walked to the door, he flashed Cas a desperate look as if to say, _“Please, look after my boy.”_ Cas couldn’t imagine what John was going through.

No, wait - he could. He was going through the exact same thing.

“Cas, what are you doing here?” Sam croaked. Cas knelt by the bed, leaning over Sam and grabbing his unbound hand. It fit perfectly in Cas’; he wished he could keep it there forever so Sam wouldn’t do anything stupid ever again.

“You’re my best friend, you idiot, I’m worried,” Cas frowned. He pressed a gentle kiss to Sam’s knuckle, an apology for leaving.

“It’s fine, Cas, it didn’t work,” Sam shrugged, disconnected from the situation. Cas let go of Sam’s hand, wanting to hug him, protect him. Hesitating, Cas tried to figure out what to say, but before anything came to mind, Sam muttered something.

“I can’t even kill myself right.” It was bitter and rueful.

Cas’ heart broke.

“Sam, please don’t talk like that,” he begged, pulling Sam into a hug. The angle was awkward, but the confirmation Sam was still there was good enough for Cas. He buried his face in Sam’s neck, breathing in Sam’s familiar scent. Though he tried to blink away tears, he still managed to wet the back of Sam’s shirt. “I’m so sorry I didn’t answer.” He felt Sam shrug beneath him.

“You don’t owe me anything,” he said. Cas pulled away from the hug with a frown on his face. Sam’s eyes were glazed over and he stared into the white nothingness of the wall. Cas grabbed hold of Sam’s chin and forced Sam to look into his eyes.

“But I should’ve been there for you,” Cas began to cry, his grip on Sam’s face loosening. His breaths stuttered, chest heaving. No matter how much he wanted to break down, Cas needed to stay strong. “I should’ve been looking out for you.” With that, Sam began to sob as well, face screwing up in an effort to not cry.

“I’m sorry I hurt myself Cas, I just didn’t know what else to do!” Sam wailed. His fingers reached out for Cas’ hoodie, much softer than the hospital blankets. Cas covered Sam’s hands with his own.

“Sam, it doesn’t matter,” Cas shook his head. He crawled into the space beside Sam and pulled him close. The thought of losing Sam made him feel sick, but having Sam so close made him feel normal again. “We just need you to be okay again. _I just need you to be okay again._ ”

They laid in bed together for a while; the shadows on the wall grew as the sun set in the distance. It was pleasant enough, but there was an underlying fear in the air. Cas tried to push it out of his mind - Sam was here, he was alive, he was okay. Cas’ eyes closed, focusing solely on the feeling of Sam’s warm body at his side.

Sam was the first to break the silence.

“Did you get the letter I wrote you?”

Cas furrowed his brows. Dean hadn’t mentioned anything about a letter - although Dean had been distracted, to be fair. Slowly, Cas maneuvered himself so he could look at Sam properly before he answered.

“Not yet.”

“Please don’t read it, Cas,” Sam pleaded, pulling his infamous puppy eyes. They were incredibly persuasive, but the knowledge of the letter had Cas’ mind racing. Had he given a reason? Another comment from Sam dragged him out of his thoughts. “It’s not important anymore.”

“Okay.” Cas resolved to find the letter later, and to just not tell Sam about it. He paused for a second.

“Do you know what happens next?”

“Do you mean do I know if they’re moving me to the loony bin?” Sam asked, causing Cas to frown. When Sam saw Cas was upset, he sniffed in apology but carried on. “I don’t know yet. They’re definitely putting me on Zoloft. Told my Dad it wasn’t an option anymore.” By the end, Sam was openly blubbering, tears streaming down his flushed cheeks and snot bubbling in his nose. It wasn’t the most attractive thing, but Cas thought Sam was beautiful. He hugged Sam again, his heartbeat matching Sam’s.

“You’ll be okay,” Cas whispered, his tone conveying a sacred promise. Sam wiped his tears on Cas’ hoodie, though the damp in his eyes returned immediately.

“But what about when everyone at school finds out?” Sam wailed. Cas hadn’t thought about that. No doubt someone would say something and then the whole school would be talking about him. Sam seemed to realize that, as he started sobbing again. “What then, Cas?”

“We just won’t tell anyone,” Cas shrugged casually, like he had it under control. He didn’t, of course. It would get out eventually. But Sam needed reassurance.

“I’m fucking handcuffed to the bed, someone’s gonna find out,” Sam huffed, rattling the restraints for added effect. Cas rolled his eyes.

“Don’t worry. Me and Dean’ll handle it,” he said, again promising that his word was truth with the way he spoke.

Sam settled back into Cas, apparently sated by Cas’ answer. He closed his eyes, but Cas knew he wasn’t asleep. It felt right, the way Sam slotted against his side, and Cas wished he’d never have to leave. Sadly, fate had a way of biting Cas on the butt, and Sam’s Dad came in a minute later with an apologetic look on his face. Sam didn’t even acknowledge the door opening.

“Sam, the Doctor says visiting hours are over,” he frowned for a second, but quickly switched to a smile when Sam opened his eyes. John took a seat next to the bed, waiting for Cas to get out. Sam was doing his best to ignore his Dad, and Cas saw Sam purposely shuffle away from John. Though John looked upset, he still reached out for his son’s hand. “So looks like it’s me and you, kiddo.”

Cas was surprised John was managing to keep it together so well, although he was most likely trying to stay strong for Sam. Cas wished he could be that strong, that he could carry Sam straight out of the hospital. For a second, he stood by the door watching Sam curl in on himself. A single tear ran down his face.

“Night, Sam.”


	2. Silver Linings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cas goes back to the Winchester's house to look for the letter that Sam wrote him

Cas had to find that letter. Okay, he’d promised Sam he wouldn’t read it, but this was a dire situation. If Sam had tried to kill himself, then clearly something was wrong. And Cas had to find that something, whatever it was, and destroy it. He would protect Sam against anything - the whole world, if he had to. Whatever it took, Cas would save his Sammy.

He walked back to the Winchester's’ house. The quiet time allowed him to think clearly for the first time in several hours, and to decide how to act in order to protect Sam.

The first thing to do would be to make sure Sam was never alone; it might be difficult to get his parents on board - they were already dismayed about the amount of time Cas spent with Sam - but Cas would be around at the Winchesters’ every available minute. Dean certainly wouldn’t object, and John seemed to like him enough, so he hoped he could make it work.

The Impala was still in the drive when Cas got back to Sam’s, so he guessed Dean must be in.

Again, he knocked on the door to be greeted by a sullen Dean. He shrugged at Cas, moving aside to let him into the house. Cas didn’t even stay for pleasantries, instead charging straight to Sam’s room. That was probably - hopefully - where the letter would be. There was a chance John had it, but Cas wasn’t too keen to talk to him; Sam’s dad was really tall, an ex-marine, and, if Cas was being completely honest, genuinely terrifying.

Dean followed Cas into Sam’s room, probably pissed about Cas blanking him. Strangely, Cas found that he didn’t care; usually he tried hard not to upset Dean, but it was like his life had completely changed since finding out about Sam. He paused for a second and turned to wave at Dean, but then quickly returned to his quest for the letter.

There were few places Cas could imagine Sam keeping something for him. His first thought was the bed stand; Cas already knew that as the place where Sam kept his mother’s signet ring, his grandfather’s journal, and a photo album full of pictures of Dean - all of his most precious things. Cas also knew that his own locket was in there, a reminder to Sam that Cas would always be there.

It made him sick to think it didn’t work.

A hand gripped Cas’ shoulder, halting him from rummaging through Sam’s drawers.

“What are you looking for?” Dean questioned, tone harsh. His fingernails dug into Cas’ shoulder, leaving imprints in Cas’ skin, even through his shirt. Sighing, Cas stood to face Dean.

“Did Sam write you a letter?” he asked. Dean frowned, probably at the lack of response to his question, and hesitated. Channelling Sam, Cas pulled his sweetest puppy dog eyes, hoping to sway Dean. It worked; Dean began to nod.

“Yeah, he did,” he confessed. There was a reluctant look on his face, like it wasn’t something he wanted to talk about. But Cas had to know! If that letter gave even the slightest insight into Sam’s current state of mind, it would be a victory.

“Have you read it?” Cas pushed. A tear slipped down Dean’s cheek, and Cas felt momentarily guilty for hounding Dean. They were friends too, after all. But just as he began to tell Dean it didn’t matter, the older boy took a deep breath and started talking.

“Thought about it, but I couldn’t. I don’t want to think about what Sam’s been going through. I called Jody and even she said she saw no signs of it.” He was barely keeping it together, tears welling up in his eyes, so Cas rushed to his side. Gently, Cas rubbed Dean’s back, hoping to calm him some.

They sat on the bed, Cas still by Dean’s side. In a million years, Cas never thought they’d be in this situation. Sure, Sam had never been _good_ \- not in the years Cas had known him, anyways - but things had never gotten this bad for him. For all of them. They were all going through an awful time. As much as they needed to be there for Sam, they needed to be there for each other.

It was the first time Cas had ever seen Dean cry; if that wasn’t a bad sign, then Cas didn’t know what was.

“Do you know where mine is?” Cas asked. The lull of silence in the room had become too much, and his curiosity was bubbling up inside him.

“Your what?”

“The letter Sam wrote me,” Cas explained. Dean shook his head, causing Cas to huff out a sigh as he pushed himself off of the bed. He began to look around the room again - under Sam’s bed, in Sam’s wardrobe. Two green, tear-filled eyes followed him as he danced around the room, upturning anything he set his hands on. Cas sighed again.

“He asked me not to read it, but I have to know what pushed him over the edge. If it was me, or what. If I can save him from whatever it was.”

Grunting in frustration, Cas starting rummaging through the chest of drawers that stood opposite to the bed. Nothing in the sock drawer, the pyjama drawer, or the t-shirt draw.

Nothing at all.

“Have you tried his jewellery box?” Dean asked. Cas froze when Dean spoke, shocked he hadn’t thought of that before. The jewellery box had belonged to their mother, and was, perhaps, the most precious thing Sam owned - even if he rarely used it for jewellery. Most of what he kept in there was paper things, notes and such he never wanted to lose.

As expected, when Cas opened it, a letter addressed to him laid on top of everything else.

“I found it!” Cas yelled triumphantly, plucking the letter from the pile. The envelope was a faded white with a red wax seal, and was obviously from the Harry Potter stationary that Cas had bought Sam for his birthday, but that didn’t interest Cas in the slightest. What was important was the contents. Cas peeled the seal and pulled out the paper inside.

_Dear Cas,_

_I’m sorry I had to do this, I couldn’t carry on like this any more. It just feels like I’m drowning in this big, black sea of darkness. My chest aches every day, more and more. I can’t handle the pain any more. I’m so sorry I left you. I love you, Castiel, I really do. Probably more than any friend should. You’re just so sweet and kind and forgiving. You’re going to make a great boyfriend one day - whoever it is, they should feel blessed._

_I’m going to miss you so much. I love you._

_~ Sam_

Tears were pouring down Cas’ face, dripping onto the fragile paper by the time he had finished reading. His throat closed, refusing to work. Sam loved him. He really loved him. Cas didn’t think he could move, not even if a meteor crashed into the house right that very moment.

“What does it say?” Dean questioned, leaning over Cas’ shoulder. Cas had forgotten Dean was there - he hastily pulled the letter away from view and dried the tears on his face.

“Nothing about the reason why,” Cas sighed. Dean frowned in frustration, falling back against Sam’s bed. Dean seemed more upset than ever, but Cas couldn’t get his body to move to comfort him - not this time. All he could think was that Sam loved him.

_Sam Winchester loved him._

This must be the silver lining.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading, I hope you enjoyed it!
> 
> Please leave a comment or kudos if you did
> 
> This was beta'd by the beautiful [ casnsammy ](http://casnsammy.tumblr.com)
> 
> My tumblr is [ here ](http://benevolentsam.tumblr.com) if you want to talk <3


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